I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
