considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
