I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
