I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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