Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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