Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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