i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i've created a new STD.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
