I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
