The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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