dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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