why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't put those talents on a resume
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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