I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
