and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize