I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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