Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
