I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize