Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
