dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
