im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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