he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
