She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
