Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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