My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
