i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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