Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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