The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
