I am in a vortex of obligation.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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