there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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