Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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