Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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