this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
