'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
