hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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