im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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