don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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