oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
