A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
