you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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