I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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