I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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