I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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