and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
