There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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