apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
