whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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