i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
