i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
