fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
