my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
