Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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