My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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