My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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