She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
