I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
