Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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