happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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