We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My bed smells like the plague
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
