does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
