anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
