you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
