I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
