I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You're like the curious george of whores
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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