I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
