I look better un-naked...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
