I skipped work to stalk him.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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